My Bloody Valentine
by Ezra Fell
Summary: Jim texts Sebastian throughout the day. Seb is not amused. Mormor.  Now with 100% more chapters!
1. Valentine

_Sebastiannnn -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_Sebbieeee. -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

**What? -SM**

_Good morning. -JM_

**Good... morning? -SM**

_Gooood morninnnggg~ -JM_

**…. Are you drunk? -SM**

_Oh Sebbie. Don't be silly. Can't I just say good morning to my favorite sniper? -JM_

**So nothing is wrong? -SM**

_Noooope. -JM_

**Fine. Going back to sleep. -SM**

_Seb.-JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_SEBASTIAN. -JM_

**Jim. I have been awake for two days straight. It is four A.M. I am tired. I am going to sleep. -SM**

_But today is special. -JM_

**Today is Monday. Leave me alone. -SM**

_Seb. -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_Seb. Wake up.- JM_

_Sebastiannnn wake upppp -JM_

* * *

><p><em>SEBASTIAN. -JM<em>

_CODE BLUE. -JM_

**Holy... stay where you are. Let me get my gun. I'll be there soon.-SM**

**Jim. Jim answer me.-SM**

**Where are you?-SM**

**Goddamnit, Jim. Don't die.-SM**

**If you die, I'll never forgive you. -SM**

_Are you up?-JM_

**What? Yes. Where are you? Are you safe? -SM**

_Oh yeah. Cafe. Having breakfast.-JM_

_Should I bring you a scone? -JM_

_Seb? -JM_

**…..There was no code blue. -SM**

_Very GOOD, Sebbie! -JM_

**I am going to murder you. You lying psycho bastard, I am going to shoot you in the goddamn head.-SM**

_It got you out of bed, didn't it?-JM_

**Sod off.-SM**

* * *

><p><strong>Jim. What the HELL is this? -SM<strong>

_What is WHAT, darling? -JM_

**You know what. -SM**

**On my nightstand. -SM**

_Oh THAT. A heart. -JM_

**A heart. -SM**

_3 -JM_

**Jim, Why is there a heart on my nightstand? -SM**

_You really don't know? -JM_

**NO, Jim, I don't know why there would be a HUMAN HEART on my bloody nightstand. -SM**

**It IS human, isn't it? -SM**

_Well, Obviously. -JM_

**NO, Jim, it's really not obvious. Why would that be obvious? You sound like Sherlock Holmes. -SM**

_Name-calling, Seb? How immature. -JM_

**Right. I'M the immature one in this relationship. -SM**

_What are you doing?-JM_

**Cleaning up blood, thanks to you.-SM**

_You love blood. -JM_

**Not in my BED. -SM**

_Liar. -JM_

**That's different. -SM**

_;) -JM_

**No, Jim. -SM**

_;) ;) ;) -JM_

* * *

><p><strong>Jim... where is my bed?-SM<strong>

**You better answer me. I KNOW this was you. -SM**

**How the fuck did you move my whole bed while I was in the bathroom? -SM**

_Oh, Your bed is missing? -JM_

_How delightfully peculiar. -JM_

_Well, I guess you can't sleep then! We should do something. Scones? -JM_

**I am going to kill you. -SM**

_Gotta leave your flat to kill me, Sebbie. Better get dressed! -JM_

**Jim, if I have to see you now I am going to drown you in the Thames. -SM**

_Scoooness, Seb. -JM_

_Scones. -JM_

**I can think of at least three different ways to murder you with a scone right now. -SM**

_I love it when you talk murderously. -JM_

**Jim. -SM**

_Yes, my pet? -JM_

**My food too? -SM**

_You'll have to be more specific. -JM_

**MY FOOD. All of it. In my ENTIRE FLAT. -SM**

_What about it? -JM_

**WHERE IS IT? -SM**

_Why, Sebbie, I bet it's where your bed is. -JM_

**Goddamnit, Jim. -SM**

**Is this amusing to you? -SM**

**Are you trying to kill me? -SM**

_Depriving you of food would be a very boring way to kill you, Sebbie. -JM_

**Fine. I'll go to Tesco to buy more. So help me, Jim, if I come back and my TV or something is gone, I am going to shoot you in your creepy face. -SM**

_Have fun! -JM_

* * *

><p><strong>Jim. -SM<strong>

_Hm? -JM_

**Please tell me you didn't kill the cashier. -SM**

_Which one? -JM_

**You KNOW which one. -SM**

**The one I hate. -SM**

_No no no, I did not kill the cashier you hate. Don't be ridiculous. -JM_

_I don't like to get my hands dirty. You know that. -JM_

**Did you HAVE the cashier killed? -SM**

_Yepppp -JM_

**….Why? -SM**

_You hated him. -JM_

_You're welcome. -JM_

_He always gave you incorrect change. -JM_

**That's not a viable motive for murder, Jim. -SM**

_Oh? Is it not? -JM_

**It really isn't. -SM**

_Well, hindsight's twenty twenty. -JM_

_I bet you had a much better shopping experience with him dead. -JM_

_Wasn't it better? -JM_

_It was. -JM_

_'Thank you, Jim. How thoughtful.' -JM_

_You're welcome. -JM_

* * *

><p><em>So how is your day going? -JM<em>

**You don't care how my day is going. -SM**

_Do too. -JM_

**Do not. -SM**

_Do too times a thousand. -JM_

**FINE. If you MUST know, Jim, my day has been shit. Some fucking maniac wouldn't let me sleep, he stole my bed, and all of my food. He then murdered someone for no fucking reason and forced me to walk through a fucking crime scene to buy my milk, knowing full-well that I am one of the most wanted men in London and could have been shot or arrested if even one person recognized me. -SM**

_Exciting. -JM_

Insane. -SM

_Back at your flat yet? -JM_

**….No. Why? -SM**

**Jim. -SM**

**Jim, I swear to God, if you did something to my flat... -SM**

* * *

><p><strong>JIM -SM<strong>

_Yes, my dear? -JM_

**My TV, Jim. Actually, fuck that. EVERYTHING. Where is my stuff? -SM**

_I didn't take EVERYTHING. I left you something. -JM_

…_.Kitchen. Bottom drawer beside the fridge. -JM_

**…..an umbrella. -SM**

_! -JM_

**You robbed my flat, stole everything I own, and you left me... an umbrella. -SM**

_Isn't it fantastic? -JM_

**It really isn't. -SM**

_Do you know WHOSE umbrella that is? -JM_

**A harmless girl scout? -SM**

**The dead cashier? -SM**

_Mycroft Holmes! -JM_

**…..You traded me everything I own for an umbrella owned by Sherlock Holmes' brother. -SM**

_Yes! -JM_

_It's amazing, isn't it? -JM_

_Do you know how hard that was to get? -JM_

_Sebbbbbb -JM_

_Sebbbbbbastiannnn -JM_

**No. Give me a few minutes. -SM**

_Sebbbb -JM_

**I am about to have a fucking coronary, Jim. Just...shut...up. -SM**

_Sebbbbb -JM_

**Shut. The. Fuck. Up. -SM**

_Sebbieeee -JM_

**Please, Jim. Just... for five minutes. -SM**

_You're welcome. 3 -JM_

**Fuck. -SM**

* * *

><p><em>You should really turn your ringer off when you're trying to shoot someone. -JM<em>

**Goddamnit, Jim, are you trying to get me killed? -SM**

_Maaaaybeee -JM_

_You should crouch down more. He's looking towards you. -JM_

**Where the Hell are you? -SM**

_Opposite building. -JM_

**Why? -SM**

_I like to take an active part in my partners lifestyle. -JM_

_Do you think they'd kill you if I yelled where you were? -JM_

**Do you think I could hit you from here? -SM**

**I could. -SM**

_No you couldn't. -JM_

**Stop darting around, you look like an idiot. -SM**

_Bet you can't hit me. -JM_

_Try it. -JM_

_Seb -JM_

_Sebbbbbbb -JM_

_Seb try to hit me. -JM_

_This guy is boring. I don't even remember why I wanted him killed. -JM_

_Did you know that starlight takes so long to reach Earth that most of the stars we see are already dead? -JM_

_Sherlock doesn't know that. -JM_

_He doesn't know anything about space. -JM_

_We're like stars, Seb. -JM_

_Our light will burn this world long after we're dead -JM_

_and Sherlock won't ever understand us. -JM_

_Because he doesn't know anything about stars. -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_I can't believe you're working on Valentines day .-JM_

_I brought you a scone. -JM_

**Wait, what? -SM**

_I brought you a scone. It has a bit of blood on it from earlier but I think it's still good. -JM_

**No, not that. It's Valentines day? -SM**

**Fuck. Jim, I'm sorry. I had no idea. -SM**

**Jim. -SM**

**Jim, I'm sorry. -SM**

**Jim. -SM**

**CODE BLUE. -SM**

_Liar. I can see you. -JM_

**I'm sorry. -SM**

_I was very nice to you. -JM_

**I know. -SM**

_All day. -JM_

**I know. -SM**

_It took forever to plan, you know. -JM_

_The umbrella was really hard to get. -JM_

_Weeks. -JM_

_Months of planning. -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_Seb. -JM_

_Sebbbbbb -JM_

**Jim, shut up for a second. -SM**

_Sebbbbb -JM_

**ONE SECOND. -SM**

* * *

><p><strong>There. -SM<strong>

**I missed. -SM**

_What? -JM_

**I missed. -SM**

_No you didn't. I saw you. He's dead. -JM_

**I missed. I missed his head. -SM**

_You... missed? -JM_

**I missed. -SM**

_Why. -JM_

**Figure it out. -SM**

_You shot him... ? -JM_

**Yes, you evil fucking monster, I shot him in the heart. -SM**

**Right in the heart. Happy Valentine's Day. -SM**

**I can't hear you, you idiot. Stop yelling at me. -SM**

**You have a phone for a reason. -SM**

* * *

><p>His phone vibrates against his leg, and Seb pulls it up to his ear. Jim's half-crazed tilted voice sounds over the line.<p>

"_I love you so fucking much."_ Jim is laughing manically and Seb grins, eying his partner across the building.

**"I love you too, you lunatic. Happy valentines day"**

Later, when he discovers that his stuff has actually been moved into Jim's flat, he smiles before finally falling asleep, and finds that he wouldn't have done this day any differently.


	2. Flatmates

Sebastian Moran very quickly learned that Jim Moriarty was quite possibly the worst flatmate in the entire history of flatmates. It began with simple things, (blood on the carpet, changing Seb's ringtone to horrible pop tunes, pointlessly assigning every single word in his phone to autocorrecrt to "PELICAN" for some unforeseeable reason) and eventually led to the more complex, (spontaneous explosions, sending heartfelt Christmas cards to the Yard, entire rooms of furniture rearranging themselves into forts overnight).

Which is why, this morning, he only had a short panic attack before fishing out his phone.

* * *

><p><strong>Have I ever told you that living with you is a fucking nightmare? -SM<strong>

_Someone's grumpy today -JM_

_Grumpy grump grump -JM_

_Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? -JM _

**Considering that I woke up next to a HUMAN EAR on the pillow like a bloody hotel mint, instead of YOU, yes Jim. I am a little pissed. -SM**

_Oh! -JM_

_That's where I put that. -JM_

_Weird. -JM_

**Weird? -SM**

_Weird! -JM_

**Weird? -SM**

_Is your phone broken or something? You're repeating things. -JM_

**I'm just trying to put this together. -SM**

**Give me a second. -SM**

**'Weird' is the word you would use to describe this. -SM**

**Waking up next to a DISEMBODIED EAR is 'weird' -SM**

_No. What? no. -JM_

_It's weird because I thought I sent it to someone. -JM_

_I don't know what it's doing THERE. It's supposed to be in the mail. -JM_

…**..Why in the fucking hell would you send someone an ear? -SM**

_As A THREEEEAAT, obviously. -JM_

_Keep up, Sebbie. -JM_

…**. It is way too early for this, Jim -SM**

**Too fucking early. -SM**

* * *

><p><strong>Where are you, then? -SM<strong>

_Around. -JM_

_This ear business is quite interesting. -JM_

_I REMEMBER sending something. -JM_

**That's not a location. -SM**

_I packed it up in a box and taped it and wrote the address... -JM_

**You're not even listening to me, are you? -SM**

_I dropped it off at the post office this morning... -JM_

_What did I send them...? -JM_

* * *

><p><strong>Have you seen my mug? -SM<strong>

_Mug? -JM_

**Yes, Jim, a mug. Holds drinks? -SM**

_Sounds boring. -JM_

**Great, have you seen it or not? -SM**

_Nooooooope. -JM_

**Ok. -SM**

**Wait, do you even know what it looks like? -SM**

_Nooooooope~ What's it look like? -JM_

**Blue. Has a handle. Attached constantly to my hand in the mornings so I don't murder you. -SM**

_Oh! -JM_

_Oh. -JM_

_Well this is interesting. -JM_

**'Interesting'? -SM**

_I may have sent it to someone. -JM_

_Is it a particularly threatening mug? -JM_

**Dammit, Jim. -SM**

**Why my mug? -SM**

**That doesn't even make any fucking sense. -SM**

_I wonder how they'll take that. -JM_

_I mean, a human ear in the mail is obviously a threat. -JM_

_What's a mug? -JM_

**That thing that used to keep me from smothering you in your sleep. -SM**

* * *

><p><em>Good news! -JM<em>

_Seb. -JM_

_Sebbie, good news. -JM_

**I don't care. -SM**

_But it's good news! -JM_

**Do not care. I can't deal with anymore of your 'good news' today until I get some fucking coffee. -SM**

**Which I would have gotten earlier. -SM**

**IF I HAD MY MUG. -SM**

_But that's the good news! I got it back. -JM_

_He sent it back. -JM_

**He? He who? -SM**

_Sherlock, obviously. He sent your mug back and I sent him the ear. -JM_

_Seb? -JM_

_Seb are you there? -JM_

**You sent Sherlock Holmes my coffee mug. -SM**

**Wait, he sent it back? -SM**

**You put a RETURN ADDRESS? -SM**

_Uh, yeah. That's how mail WORKS, Sebbie. -JM_

_I send him things, he sends them back. -JM_

**No, Jim, that's how a fucking PEN PAL works. Most people have them in fourth grade. -SM**

**Are you seriously telling me that you exchange LETTERS with Sherlock Holmes? -SM**

**Jim? -SM**

**Are you ignoring me now? -SM**

**...Oh my God, you do. You send him letters. -SM**

**Two of the smartest men on the whole goddamned planet... are penpals. -SM**

**Do you ask him about his day? -SM**

_Shoes. Shoes, Seb. -JM_

_I will make you into shoes. -JM_

**No you won't. -SM**

**I don't know if two psychopathic grown men sending each other GIFTS in the form of body parts is incredibly disturbing or fucking adorable. -SM**

_It was a threat. -JM_

**Gift. -SM**

_Threat. -JM_

**Wait, should I be jealous? -SM**

**Jim? -SM**

**I'm not even joking now, Jim. -SM**

**Should I be jealous? -SM**

* * *

><p><strong>Are you still mad at me? -SM<strong>

**Come home. -SM**

**I didn't mean to make fun of you. -SM**

_Busy, Can't. -JM_

**Bullshit. -SM**

* * *

><p>When Jim came home an hour later, he hardly stepped out of his shoes before pulling Seb (who had been pacing and trying to ignore that maybe he was worried) onto the couch and curling up beside him in a rare moment of vulnerability. They sat like that for a second before Seb cleared his throat softly.<p>

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Alright," he nodded carefully, brushing the madman's hair back a bit, "Should I be jealous?"

"No."

"No?"

"No," Jim repeated shortly, "I fixed it."

* * *

><p>Across town, in the warmth of Baker Street, A very annoyed John Watson was carrying milk to 221b and attempting to not simply set the whole place on fire and be done with it.<p>

"Sherlock!" he called from the top of the stairs as he turned the key, _because obviously Sherlock couldn't be bothered to unlock the damn door even when he KNEW John was out there, _"Do you mind explaining why my card-"

He stopped dead when he pushed the door open to their flat, now covered in so many different types of flowers that it looked like a small jungle. Sherlock sat in the middle of them with his _thinking face, _poking with mortified interest at a rather large tulip.

"What...?" John trailed off hopelessly.

"Moriarty," Sherlock answered bluntly with a tone of disgust and horror in his voice.

"But... why... flowers?"

"Obviously a threat."

"... A...Threat?"

"A threat."

"He sent you an _ear _earlier... how are flowers-"

"The ear was a **gift**, John, don't be dull. These are obviously **threats.**" Sherlock said plainly, "Go make tea or something"

With a resigned shrug at the universe, John made tea.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHORS NOTE:<strong>

Okay, so this started as a Valentine's Day oneshot thing, but I really enjoy writing Seb and Jim, and I did get one or two requests to continue it... soo... I did.

I would like to CONTINUE continuing it, if that makes sense, so I won't beg for reviews, but I will ask for prompts. I don't care what type.

Leave me a review with a phrase, a word, a paragraph, song lyrics, poetry, WHATEVER... and I will use it as a prompt. Or attempt to.

Ciao!


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